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This is a piece I wrote for my first ever writing course outside of English majordom way back in 2016—Writing Satire for the Internet Level 1 at the Second City Training Center—and is also my first funeral-related humor piece. It originally appeared on the Medium humor publication, How Pants Work, and you can find it here. Please enjoy You’re Invited to Rhonda’s Bereavement Party! It’s one of my favorites!

Hey, Girls!

As you all know, Rhonda’s husband Gary passed away yesterday after a long, hard-fought battle with pancreatic cancer, so we’re putting together a little girls’ night on Friday. This is Rhonda’s first night of freedom, so get ready to get turnt!

Here’s how it’s going down:

5:30 PM

Rhonda’s had a tough time, so we’ll start off kinda slow. We’ll meet at her house for a period of comforting silence. We’ll hug and cry. We’ll take as much time as Rhonda needs. Then we’re heading to the Embassy Suites for free cocktails at 5:45!

7:30 PM

After the Embassy Suites, we’ll get some fresh air (we’ll need it!) and walk down to Shooters just like when we were in college — before people died. They’ve still got the best mojitos in town. Trust me. We’ll feel out the situation, but I’m thinking three hours should do it!

10:30 PM

I’ve reserved us a party bike for two hours from Spin-N-Tonic with an “In Loving Memory of Gary Huggins 1972–2017” banner on the back. Melanie’s bringing a tiara, and Charla’s made a sash that says “widow” in gold glitter! We get to select our own music, so be thinking about what you want to hear. I’ve got dibs on I’m So Fancy and Worth It, so back off. Those are my JAMS!

Also, I put in a request for Derek. He’s the best.

12:30 AM

We’ll take an Uber down to Riverside Park for a time of prayer and reflection — remembering what the night is truly for. I need someone to bring an unlit candle if you’ve got one. If not, no biggie.

12:45 AM

There’s a bubble party in the street outside Club 85904! And up in all those bubbles, I imagine somebody’ll be getting a little handsy in a public place with some strange men (hint: me)!

3:00 AM

After we change clothes, we’ll head to Rachel and Na-Na’s Discotech (where Sears used to be). Our mission will be to find Rhonda some male accompaniment for our time there! Just because she’s grieving doesn’t mean she can’t have a little fun, if you know what I mean! And trust me, there will be plenty of dudes to choose from. There always are, and 3–4 AM is the optimum time. There may be a line, so I’ll have some berry vodka in my purse, and Jackie is bringing a portable speaker so we can listen to You Raise Me Up and Wind Beneath My Wings if we have to wait.

6:00 AM

We’ll go back to Rhonda’s place to get a little rest. She’s cool with it, she said. And Gary’s hospital bed is still there, so we should all have a place to sleep. Those things are roo-my!

10:00 AM

We are celebrating Gary’s life at 11:00 at Christ Presbyterian Church, but we’ll need to get there early to set up for the flash mob. Hope you’ve all been working on your Whip and Nae Nae. It’ll be so funny! Rhonda will freak! It’s what Gary would have wanted.

IMPORTANT REMINDER

Remember, for gifts Rhonda is registered at Flowers by Alison, Marshall-Hilburn Funeral Home, and Target.

Also, everyone bring $40 to reimburse me for the mantle clock urn.

See y’all then!

Deborah

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Mortified

You're Invited to Rhonda's Bereavement Party